We want to fast-forward through our practice straight to bliss, highs, and happiness. Or at least serene equanimity with no pain. But it doesn't work that way, does it? I don't believe so.
Forget what the self-help books say; they just want your money. Unwinding karma is a bitch. And if she's dressed up like some romanticized goddess, she's a fake.
Some deeper layer of tension in my neck and jaw unwinds. That's great. But that subtle movement floods my belly with fear.
It feels like from when I was three years old. It feels like it was transmitted from my ancestors. It feels like something that makes me want to clench my jaw to cut off from feeling.
But the practice is just to sit and breathe into it. How many more seconds? How many more lifetimes? There's no knowing or saying. The next breath may spark joy out of nowhere. Or I could sit with this fear forever.
Accepting uncertainty is never easy. Even losing an ancient pain can feel scary when you know it's all yours. What happens when that familiarity is gone? What if it was tethering "you"?
Can I jump into joy when the heart opens? Can I risk falling into that ocean?