Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Breathing Darkness, Draining Poison, Sparking Joy, Touching Equinimity


We want to fast-forward through our practice straight to bliss, highs, and happiness. Or at least serene equanimity with no pain. But it doesn't work that way, does it? I don't believe so.

Forget what the self-help books say; they just want your money. Unwinding karma is a bitch. And if she's dressed up like some romanticized goddess, she's a fake. 



Some deeper layer of tension in my neck and jaw unwinds. That's great. But that subtle movement floods my belly with fear.

It feels like from when I was three years old. It feels like it was transmitted from my ancestors. It feels like something that makes me want to clench my jaw to cut off from feeling. 

But the practice is just to sit and breathe into it. How many more seconds? How many more lifetimes? There's no knowing or saying. The next breath may spark joy out of nowhere. Or I could sit with this fear forever. 


Accepting uncertainty is never easy. Even losing an ancient pain can feel scary when you know it's all yours. What happens when that familiarity is gone? What if it was tethering "you"?

Can I jump into joy when the heart opens? Can I risk falling into that ocean?




2 comments:

  1. "Accepting uncertainty is never easy. Even losing an ancient pain can feel scary when you know it's all yours. What happens when that familiarity is gone? What if it was tethering 'you'?" -

    beautifully said Carol, so hard to let ourselves be the part of us that's just simply people ;-)

    nicely chosen images to go with the words too, thanks! ;-)

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  2. This departure from intellectual discourse is a lovely poetic and true call to awareness.

    For those of us, which is probably most of us,who keep ourselves safe behind walls even if those walls oppress us, this is a generous revelation that we are not the only ones. Even those of us who appear to be solid/together or unwavering are fragile. Bravo

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